Hello.
Just a month to go and we are already fed up of Christmas. From shite adverts dropping before we have time to blow out the candles in our pumpkins to today, Black Friday (yes, their lives matter), we have been pickled in Christmas cheer. And still it is a month away. Fake Santas are everywhere, and children have already written their lists, on the assumption that their behaviour in the next four weeks will not influence Santa's final decision on what they will receive - little do they know.
But maybe the fact if a child is naughty or nice doesn't matter anymore if we are to take the advice of psychologist professor Boyle and his mate, social scientist Dr. McKay. They claim that feeding children the ol' Santa story undermines a child's trust and is morally suspect. Their opinion is that we need to stop pretending that good, old Nicholas brings presents. Santa Claus is a figment of our imagination (based on a 4th century Saint from Asia Minor) and imaginative children will have greater creative tendencies in adulthood and, perhaps more curiously, helps them cope with pain better. But who needs creative people when we can have more bankers and politicians? I think Boyle & McKay are on to something.
After reading their paper I decided to look for things that we should tell our children about and discovered that some dudes in Australia reckon 8-year-olds need to be "porn literate". So, first they want to take Santa from the kids and, now, they want to take away the joy of seeing porn for the first time, which is the rite of passage for any teenage boy.
In any case, to really confuse my 8-year-old nephew I will be getting him a DVD this Christmas: Santa Claus is cumming to town. That should fuck him right up and so what, because in the end...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Sources
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/11/24/parents-urged-stop-pretending-father-christmas-real/
http://mezo.me/news/news/8-year-old-children-should-be-taught-about-porn-melbourne-university-researchers-say?uid=53404
http://www.futurity.org/imagination-helps-kids-cope-with-pain/
http://www.ideastogo.com/the-science-of-imagination
Friday, 25 November 2016
Wednesday, 23 November 2016
The world is moving too fast, they say.
Hello.
Dave from Watford sits in an East London café, sipping on
coffee-infused herbal tea that came out of a Mongolian ox’s arse. He flicks
through his dissertation one last time, gets up, bangs his head off three bare
light-bulbs, of various sizes, hanging from the stripped back ceiling and makes his way to the
analog till and its attendant. He hands over a Winston to the girl with a tattoo of Audrey
Hepburn on her neck and a bandana knotted in her quiff. There will be no
change.
He then makes his way to the Department of 21st Century
Literature at the New Hoxton Metropolitan University of Humanistics and Communications. It will be his final time. The reception desk informs him that his
tutor is away and that they will make sure that his dissertation is delivered that
very day. Some forms are stamped, a copy handed over and Dave leaves. He will
go home, on his matt black fixie, and sleep for the rest of the day. The
receptionist places Dave’s dissertation – “The Dynamics of Relations between
African women and the ISIS LBGTQRS community via mobile phone” – in the ‘out’
pile. Done.
A couple of months pass and Dave, by now, is a civil servant in Hull as work was hard to
come by in the mediascape of London. He has received a letter from the university. He opens the envelope. It declares that he has achieved a 2:1 with special
mention for his thoroughly researched dissertation. It will be printed in
weekly segments in the University magazine over the course of the next five years. Back to work, now, Dave!
The months pass and Dave is still in Hull. A job is
a job after all. One day, whilst on his tea-break, standing outside vaping nettle
and avocado through his nose-pipe under the North-Eastern English drizzle, he checks
his Twitter feed. He is not a big contributor but he likes to keep a tab on
things. And, low and behold, there amongst the top UK trends is #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS. He clicks on it and
scrolls through the sea of factually based opinions, or tweets.
@MrsBeckyBeiber : Here’s a petition in support of all the
African women and ISIS members living in Lewisham goo.gl//tWE23uHh #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS
(14 Comments, 2 Retweets, 17 Likes)
@ILoveHarryStyles : My prayers go out to #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS
(3 Comments, 5 Retweets, 29 Likes)
@NandosUK : Our peri-peri chicken can better relations.
Blacks love chicken and Muslims can’t eat pork. #Cheeky #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS
(19 Comments, 167 Retweets, 593 Likes)
@TheGeezerLad : I’d watch that, anybody have a link? #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS
(0 Comments, 0 Retweets, 1 Like)
@Z_ListCeleb : Only together can we make things better, like
when I bettered relations between the black woman celeb and the Muslim celeb on ‘Who
wants to be a baker on ice get me out of here’ in 2010 #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS
(8 Comments, 19 Retweets, 71 Likes)
And the feed goes on and on and on. Dave, with a quick
search, discovers that the problem in their relations lies in the fact that the
mobile networks between the two communities are inadequate. This is something
that he had foreseen happening months before. If there were one subject that
Dave knows inside out, it is #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS. This is his
moment. The moment Twitterlandia will take notice of Dave from Watford. He
tweets.
@DaveSmith86 : My
dissertation this year was all about #RelationsAfricanWomenAndISISLBGTQRS. No
stone unturned. Here’s the abstract goo.gl//Tgb34iLO
Let the comments, retweets and likes roll in! But, alas,
Dave is not a Twitter comedian (the ones that claim they wrote and own all jokes,
ever), nor is he a vlogger using the network to direct 12-year-old girls to a
Youtube channel on how to contour your armpits. He is simply @DaveSmith86,
civil servant, likes a flutter on the nags, a lifetime Watford FC supporter and
all his views are clearly his own. He has 98 followers. His phone bings four
times the whole day. His tweet has received a total of 1 comment, 0 retweets
and 3 likes. The comment is from Anna, a girl who was on his course at the New Hoxton Metropolitan University of Humanistics and Communications.
@AnnaBanana : Hey @DaveSmith86! Hope all is well. When R U
next back in London? B good 2 catch up. Xxxx
He had always liked Anna, but she never reciprocated. She
had friend-zoned him, the poor bastard. It has only been six months, or three new versions
of the iPhone, since that terrible date but now it seems like a life-time ago.
Her comment lifts his spirits. What good is going viral if tomorrow he still
has to go back to his shitty job, in a shitty building, in shitty weather, in a
shitty town? It is all but a fleeting sensation. It is not as if you can put it
on your CV.
The following Saturday Dave’s beloved Watford FC are playing
away against Hull. Dave obviously is at the game. His team, the surprise of the
season, need only 11 points from their last five games to lift the trophy. Dave films the team’s celebration of their second goal on his phone. A funny,
choregraphed dance that was obviously practiced at the training ground.
Incredible scenes. When all has settled down, Dave tweets the clip of the tiny
players – he has a shit seat – dancing around the corner flag like Native
Americans. By the final whistle, it has 7 comments, 13 retweets and 24 likes.
@LittleTone87 : Oi oi big dave! What a result! Couldn’t
script shit like that! We go again, fam! #HULWAT
@Jimbob563 : Dave, cuz, Hull of a game! 3 points closer and
they gave 110%! #HULWAT
@MeatBalls14 : You must b buzzin matey! That was a 6 pointer….get
in! #HULWAT
@PhilMeGlass : Me mate put a quid on WFC to win league at
200000/1, looking good with 4 games left. Boom!
@TheLadBible : Can u contact us. We would like to use your
clip.
@GazzaBeans : Ludicrous display by the mighty Hornets. Goals
win games and winning more games than everyone else gets you the title. I told
you. #HULWAT
@BarryTBone : Never easy against a team like Hull. Decent
team on paper. What a win! Best league in the world #HULWAT
On his way home, Dave takes out his phone and responds to
only one of the comments.
@DaveSmith86 : @TheLadBible go fuck yourselves in human
centipede style.
That evening, whilst watching Match of the Day with its
panel of footballing prophets (one of whom, Larry Ginekar, had tweeted his
support for relations between African women and ISIS non-heterosexuals which
got 34810 retweets), his phone bings once more. It is an eighth comment on his
video-clip.
@PhilMeGlass : That dickhead mate cashed out his bet at
Christmas…what a knob!
Of course he did. Dave watches the Watford highlights,
knocks the TV off and goes to bed. For the first time in years he switches off his
phone and goes to sleep.
He awakes, never has he slept so good in years. He makes a brew and sits down at the kitchen table staring at the wall. He takes his phone out of his pocket. It is still off. He pauses. He is going to leave it off. For the day. Fuck it.
In this fast moving world, it is time Dave from Watford took a break.
In this fast moving world where Big Brother has been on our screens since 2000, X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing since 2004, it is it is time Dave from Watford took a break. But it is pointless to go abroad as he will find the same programmes on the televisions there just in different languages.
In this fast moving world with its monarchy, handful of mainstream media owners, Christmas starting in November – fucking John Lewis advert – and Spice Girls, Take That, Steps and Blue's fifth come-back tours, it is time Dave from Watford took a break.
In this fast moving world where social media has become as predictable and obnoxious as the hangover after a stag-do (#MotivationalMonday, #TuesdayTip, #WednesdayWisdom, #ThrowbackThursday, #FridayFeeling, #RIPObscureCeleb, week in week out), it is time Dave from Watford took a break.
In this fast moving world where pay-TV builds up a football game - Super Sundays, Warrior Wednesdays, Fighting Fridays - with an army of pundits and experts for three days, rehashing the best moments from games bygone, only for it to be a shit 0-0 draw, it is time Dave from Watford took a break.
In this fast moving world where a footballer from ten years ago, who scraped a quater-final once in an international tournament, and his ‘designer’ wife still are ‘news’, as is Cheryl WhateverHerSurnameIsThisWeek (ironically she tweeted her support for the African women), it is time Dave from Watford took a break.
In this fast moving world where the hate, ignorance, brand-plugging, repetition and white-noise of Twitter is a source for lazy journalists who believe fact-checking is but an optional, it is time Dave from Watford took a break.
In this fast moving world where the Internet has branded 2016 the apocalypse - they have made their 2016 an apocalypse - it may be we just live in a world with a majority of Daves from Watford wanting a break. A break from the high-pitched buzz of a world obsessed with bad news that most likely wasn’t ready for the third millennium hence its nauseating spews of nostalgia that cut across our politics, media and social networks. Not ready to let go.
In the end...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Wednesday, 16 November 2016
Post-truth and fake news.
Hello.
Facebook is pissed off. It has been accused of pushing fake news onto the gullible people that use the service. Zark Muckerberg then claimed it was pretty whack - or some other Americanism, I don't know - to think that what 'news' people read on their feeds may form said people's opinion on any given topic. You know, like politics or something. This contradicts research that Facebook itself carried out in 2010. Classic Muckerberg, right there! What is he like, eh?
So, here is a handy list of these fake news sites. For some reason dailymail.co.uk or i100.independent.co.uk do not appear but I am sure you can find them on the list of non-news sites.
Also, the word 'post-truth' - an adjective defined as 'relating to or denoting circumstances in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief' - is making more and more of an appearance, even winning an award. But hasn't Facebook itself made its users susceptible to this 'post-truth' society since 2004? Discuss.
In any case, no fear my brethren, for when it comes to the truth we need look no further than to advice from Buddha: three things that cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth. Or to the equally great Eminem who once said, the truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed. Post-truth, or post-non-truth, or non-truth, what does it matter? The truth cannot be long hidden and nothing is guaranteed because in the end...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Sources
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10eA5-mCZLSS4MQY5QGb5ewC3VAL6pLkT53V_81ZyitM/preview
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/13/us/politics/social-networks-affect-voter-turnout-study-finds.html
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/word-of-the-year/word-of-the-year-2016
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVjMkMLhkrs
Facebook is pissed off. It has been accused of pushing fake news onto the gullible people that use the service. Zark Muckerberg then claimed it was pretty whack - or some other Americanism, I don't know - to think that what 'news' people read on their feeds may form said people's opinion on any given topic. You know, like politics or something. This contradicts research that Facebook itself carried out in 2010. Classic Muckerberg, right there! What is he like, eh?
So, here is a handy list of these fake news sites. For some reason dailymail.co.uk or i100.independent.co.uk do not appear but I am sure you can find them on the list of non-news sites.
Also, the word 'post-truth' - an adjective defined as 'relating to or denoting circumstances in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief' - is making more and more of an appearance, even winning an award. But hasn't Facebook itself made its users susceptible to this 'post-truth' society since 2004? Discuss.
In any case, no fear my brethren, for when it comes to the truth we need look no further than to advice from Buddha: three things that cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth. Or to the equally great Eminem who once said, the truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed. Post-truth, or post-non-truth, or non-truth, what does it matter? The truth cannot be long hidden and nothing is guaranteed because in the end...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Sources
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10eA5-mCZLSS4MQY5QGb5ewC3VAL6pLkT53V_81ZyitM/preview
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/13/us/politics/social-networks-affect-voter-turnout-study-finds.html
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/word-of-the-year/word-of-the-year-2016
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVjMkMLhkrs
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
Spare a thought
Hello.
Trump won. Clinton lost. Let's, however, spare a thought for our poor friends on Twitter. Yes, Twitter, you know, that 4% of the world that lectures, in 140 character wordbites, the rest of us (via lazy journalism). But the poor bastards have really had a hard year.
Twitter didn't like the idea of Trump becoming President and it didn't like the idea of the UK leaving the EU. It is also the biggest fan ever of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Terry Wogan, Harper Lee, the guy who played Grizzly Adams, Big Ang (nope, me neither), and Celine Dion's husband. No-one suffered as much as Twitter when these people left us this year. Oh, and they all live on a diet of Toblerone.
I thought after 'Brexit' the people in Twitterlandia would have understood that there is an actual real world out there, a world wherein most people don't use Twitter. The media however have given Twitter an undeserved ego. "Twitter storm, Twitter outrage, Twitter reacts..". Lazy journalism. But here's the kicker, Twitter actually helped Trump get into power. Think about it! And in a moment when the Twitter users should have been bereft of words, they weren't. There was a saying I learnt at school, empty vessels make most noise. Well, if Twitter were audible it would sound like this.
Trump won. Clinton lost. Now shut up, sit back, take your opinionated, righteous head out of your arse and enjoy the show! In the end...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Sources:
https://www.statista.com/statistics/282087/number-of-monthly-active-twitter-users/
http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
http://www.syracuse.com/celebrity-news/index.ssf/2016/01/celebrity_deaths_in_2016_famous_photos.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcppR0lhaWQ
Trump won. Clinton lost. Let's, however, spare a thought for our poor friends on Twitter. Yes, Twitter, you know, that 4% of the world that lectures, in 140 character wordbites, the rest of us (via lazy journalism). But the poor bastards have really had a hard year.
Twitter didn't like the idea of Trump becoming President and it didn't like the idea of the UK leaving the EU. It is also the biggest fan ever of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Terry Wogan, Harper Lee, the guy who played Grizzly Adams, Big Ang (nope, me neither), and Celine Dion's husband. No-one suffered as much as Twitter when these people left us this year. Oh, and they all live on a diet of Toblerone.
I thought after 'Brexit' the people in Twitterlandia would have understood that there is an actual real world out there, a world wherein most people don't use Twitter. The media however have given Twitter an undeserved ego. "Twitter storm, Twitter outrage, Twitter reacts..". Lazy journalism. But here's the kicker, Twitter actually helped Trump get into power. Think about it! And in a moment when the Twitter users should have been bereft of words, they weren't. There was a saying I learnt at school, empty vessels make most noise. Well, if Twitter were audible it would sound like this.
Trump won. Clinton lost. Now shut up, sit back, take your opinionated, righteous head out of your arse and enjoy the show! In the end...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Sources:
https://www.statista.com/statistics/282087/number-of-monthly-active-twitter-users/
http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
http://www.syracuse.com/celebrity-news/index.ssf/2016/01/celebrity_deaths_in_2016_famous_photos.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcppR0lhaWQ
Tuesday, 8 November 2016
US Elections 2016
Hello.
So after 18 months of...of...what the hell was that, actually? In 540 days of slagging each other off, essentially, we have learned that Trump is a dick and Hillary is also a dick. But I don't need to know any more than that as I am an Italian living in Spain. Surely they could have said all they had to say to each other in a one-off session yesterday morning? It is now time for the American electorate to choose one or the other. There are more recognised sexualities to choose from.
But, you know what - just like my opinion on the whole debacle - it doesn't matter who wins. Not just to me, a non-American, but also to the citizens who will find out who their new president is later tonight. Tomorrow you will work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. Yes, markets will react according to who is the new POTUS. They will then steady. You will continue to work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. People will react according to who is the new POTUS. Then they will steady. In the end, the majority has chosen. You will continue to work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. This whole process, starting in May 2015, has shown us that the President of the United States of America no longer carries the perceived clout of times bygone. In this post-truth society, a society wherein apparent honesty is but an optional - advertising, social media, politics - we have tired of believing. We don't have the energy anymore to shoot down the blatant lies that swirl around us from all directions. This energy is best spent on getting through our day: work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. Maybe it is now - finally - obvious to all that the US President is not the most powerful figure in the 'free' world, and hasn't been in a long time. The fact that the coin-toss involves Clinton and Trump is case and point that it doesn't matter any more.
I don't like to make predictions but we know it can only go one of two ways. If Hillary gets in - and looks more likely for simple status quo bias - it will all be much of the same. A Donald result would in the long run probably be the better result, though. If Donald got in - an interesting disruption for all of us non-Americans to witness - maybe the rest of the world would keep a closer check on US foreign policy. In any case, the last year and half has proved the dire straits America now finds itself in. Either way it goes...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
So after 18 months of...of...what the hell was that, actually? In 540 days of slagging each other off, essentially, we have learned that Trump is a dick and Hillary is also a dick. But I don't need to know any more than that as I am an Italian living in Spain. Surely they could have said all they had to say to each other in a one-off session yesterday morning? It is now time for the American electorate to choose one or the other. There are more recognised sexualities to choose from.
But, you know what - just like my opinion on the whole debacle - it doesn't matter who wins. Not just to me, a non-American, but also to the citizens who will find out who their new president is later tonight. Tomorrow you will work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. Yes, markets will react according to who is the new POTUS. They will then steady. You will continue to work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. People will react according to who is the new POTUS. Then they will steady. In the end, the majority has chosen. You will continue to work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. This whole process, starting in May 2015, has shown us that the President of the United States of America no longer carries the perceived clout of times bygone. In this post-truth society, a society wherein apparent honesty is but an optional - advertising, social media, politics - we have tired of believing. We don't have the energy anymore to shoot down the blatant lies that swirl around us from all directions. This energy is best spent on getting through our day: work, eat, pay bills, sleep, repeat. Maybe it is now - finally - obvious to all that the US President is not the most powerful figure in the 'free' world, and hasn't been in a long time. The fact that the coin-toss involves Clinton and Trump is case and point that it doesn't matter any more.
I don't like to make predictions but we know it can only go one of two ways. If Hillary gets in - and looks more likely for simple status quo bias - it will all be much of the same. A Donald result would in the long run probably be the better result, though. If Donald got in - an interesting disruption for all of us non-Americans to witness - maybe the rest of the world would keep a closer check on US foreign policy. In any case, the last year and half has proved the dire straits America now finds itself in. Either way it goes...
...it's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Friday, 4 November 2016
Thomas Burberry
Hello.
This is probably your favourite time of year, if you work in adland. For everyone else it is the equivalent of getting your fingernails ripped out one by one by an evil Christmas elf over the course of two months.
The first to cause a wave on the social media feeds of the ad agencies was 'The Tale of Thomas Burberry' which was 'published' on Tuesday, 1st November. In that sense you have to applaud the brands, at least they wait for Halloween to be over before releasing their oh-so-heart-felt mini-films on us, unlike the decorations in their High Street shops. At an estimate this biopic of the founding father of Burberry could have cost anywhere between 5 and 10 million, but then again Jihn Lowis shovelled (a fork is too small) out seven million for a fucking cartoon. So God knows what the budget was.
Everything is so beautiful in this piece. The beautiful actors, the beautiful sets, the beautiful sense of early 20th-century middle-class snobbery. Oh so beautiful! However...
Before I go on, let me make it clear that I am fully aware that it is an advert and all that, not an industry known for its honesty...
However, Thomas Burberry worked for himself from 1856, so he wouldn't have had a stern-looking boss looking over his shoulder whilst creating his famous gabardine, that happened in 1879. Essentially, he was born in 1835, so would have been 79 years old at the outbreak of the Great War and, by dying in 1926, he missed AE Clouston's record-breaking flight from London to Cape Town by....11 years!
But, hey, what does the truth matter, right, if the ad looks beautiful? And if you really want to see a clip that combines Christmas and Burberry please look no further than this festive little tune.
It's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
This is probably your favourite time of year, if you work in adland. For everyone else it is the equivalent of getting your fingernails ripped out one by one by an evil Christmas elf over the course of two months.
The first to cause a wave on the social media feeds of the ad agencies was 'The Tale of Thomas Burberry' which was 'published' on Tuesday, 1st November. In that sense you have to applaud the brands, at least they wait for Halloween to be over before releasing their oh-so-heart-felt mini-films on us, unlike the decorations in their High Street shops. At an estimate this biopic of the founding father of Burberry could have cost anywhere between 5 and 10 million, but then again Jihn Lowis shovelled (a fork is too small) out seven million for a fucking cartoon. So God knows what the budget was.
Everything is so beautiful in this piece. The beautiful actors, the beautiful sets, the beautiful sense of early 20th-century middle-class snobbery. Oh so beautiful! However...
Before I go on, let me make it clear that I am fully aware that it is an advert and all that, not an industry known for its honesty...
However, Thomas Burberry worked for himself from 1856, so he wouldn't have had a stern-looking boss looking over his shoulder whilst creating his famous gabardine, that happened in 1879. Essentially, he was born in 1835, so would have been 79 years old at the outbreak of the Great War and, by dying in 1926, he missed AE Clouston's record-breaking flight from London to Cape Town by....11 years!
But, hey, what does the truth matter, right, if the ad looks beautiful? And if you really want to see a clip that combines Christmas and Burberry please look no further than this festive little tune.
It's all a load of Bovine Skittles!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)